Hey there! Figma Deadpool here. How ya doin'? I hope George doesn't mind that I hijack his poor excuse for a blog...it's not like he's posting anything worthwhile! Anyfuckingwho, I'm here because this Japanese company called Max Factory made a figure of your favorite Merc' with a Mouth, and if there's anyone qualified to give you the straight talk on a Figma Deadpool, it's me.
I gotta say, Max Factory really captured my physique. Every inch of this chiseled Adonis is lovingly sculpted as if by Zeus himself.
Yes, ladies. This hunk of Grade-A beefcake is real. All 5.8 inches of it.
Funny I should mention the exact size, because Castle here apparently felt the need to overcompensate just coz I'm here. I don't give a shit how tall you are, Shane. I did love you in The Walking Dead, though!
Oh, almost 6 inches ain't enough for ya? Ever heard of the saying "It's not the size of the hammer, it's how you nail it?" Coz I can definitely nail something fierce in the articulation department. I even got one of them fancypants "ab crunches" people like George like so much. You can count in your hand how many action figures can even touch their toes like...
AAAHHHHOWWWGODDD!
What the shit?! What. The. SHIT. My torso came apart like I'm some kind of Chinese knock-off! That wasn't even some neckbeard-level hamhanding! Shameful display, Max Factory!
Ugh. Apologies to those eating at home. This is some shitty QC. I mean, I expected more from glorious Nippon. I can't even keep my pouches and hands in place! Everything's loosey-goosey. I'm falling apart faster than Snooki's marriage. And that's just out of the goddamn box?!
Well, the good news is I'm geared up for whatever the hell kind of sick stuff play or display you're into. There's tons of tchotchkes packed beside me, like these babies right here. When you absolutely, positively have to kill every thing in sight, a revolver and a fancy-schmancy pistol I stole borrowed from Cable does the trick.
And swords! Aw man, this is what gets my cancer-riddled balls going. Nothing says "distinguished gentleman with a warrior's soul and a lover's heart" than twin katanas for making m'ladies swoon.
I can even do this. This one's for you, Margaret. Choke on it.
And check this out...Hey, Parker!
You're a cool guy, kid.
"Uh...thanks?"
That's right, I've got a shitload of extra hands for gesturing and shit. You could say I'm quite the handy man!
...I'll show myself out.
But before I go, I have to say there's a lot about me to love, but there's also a lot about me to hate. This shitty QC is unacceptable, Max Factory, and expect my sternly-worded letter in the mail once I find someone to lick the stamp. But I'm just so damn gorgeous and limber that I wouldn't blame you if you put out a third mortgage to get me, Figma Deadpool, in your arms and onto your display case.
Anyway, I better take George out of that damp cellar before he starves to death. God forbid he should lose a few goddamn pounds. Thanks for reading, sweet cheeks, and live long and prosper!
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